You become a mom and everything changes. Your body, your mind, your family, all of it. I had my first son when I was 18 years old. I had no idea what to expect. I was unprepared mentally, emotionally, physically. We really don’t prepare ourselves for things like that when your a teenager. People tell you that your too young, you don’t know any better, we don’t listen. We are just young people trying to prove we know it all, and don’t need to be told or lectured about right and wrong. We can conquer the word, until we can’t.
I became a mom, before I had a career, before I was married, before I even moved out of my parents house. I didn’t have a choice anymore, I no longer had control of my life. My mom and dad were as supportive as they could be. My sisters both already had kids, so a baby wasn’t complete unfamiliar territory. My pregnancy was great, minimal sickness, energy, slept fine. I was pregnant going into my senior year in high school. I got looks, I heard people talking. I didn’t mind though, I honestly was happy and excited, I mean a baby is an exciting thing right? So my mornings consisted of eating snacks in class and getting jealous looks because snacks weren’t aloud, but of course I kind of had sympathy from some of the teachers. I was due in January and thankfully was able to grad out early in December. I was not prepared to be in school and having a newborn. I didn’t even know what I would do after I graduated. I was so so young and so unaware.
I’m going to go back a bit to when I found out I was pregnant. I knew, I always knew what I was doing and what could happen. Kids find out really young about sex, and having babies. Whether it comes from their parents, family members, friends, tv, or now the internet, they know. What teens dont think about are the consequences. They may know something they do is wrong and may know they could get in trouble, but they don’t think about what kind of damage it can cause to their life or even others lives. Choices are scary and we don’t really appreciate that we can make better ones if we just listen to those who care, who truly want what is best for us. We always get it when it’s too late. So one night I took a pregnancy test and I already knew deep down that I was pregnant, but I needed to see it. I wasn’t sure how I felt, because I was happy and excited, but also ashamed and sad. I knew it was going to hurt my parents, disappoint them tremendously. My mom I think knew deep down as well, they always do. She sensed it when I threw up after dinner one night, so I couldn’t really keep hiding it from her. It had happened and there was no going back. My mom was upset and yelled a lot, and I don’t blame her being a mom myself now. My dad though, was sad, and that really hurt me. I didn’t want them to hate me or see me a certain way. I let them down and was not in any way ready in that stage of my life to care for a baby, I was still a baby. I had worked a few jobs already, but had no money saved, I had no plans after graduation in place, I was still living with my mom and dad. I didn’t even pay for my own cell phone at that point and wouldn’t even keep my room clean. I was not ready for what was going to happen.
I remember being at my sisters house, it was New Year’s Day ( six days before my due date) and we had spent time that night with family, and my baby’s father had just left to work early that morning. I started cramping and was told to walk around because sometimes it could help with pains. So I walked around my sisters living room, a lot, until I couldn’t. So I laid down and was ready to try and sleep, but you know bladders suck during pregnancy so I got up, and I thought “wow, that’s not pee”. My water broke, and I was freaked! Ran to the next room where my mom was and told her what happened. Her and my sister helped me get cleaned up and dressed and we were off to have a baby. My parents drove me to the hospital and kept asking if I was ok. I honestly felt fine, contractions were bearable and I was just ready to get there. Got to the entrance of the hospital and was put in a wheelchair and put in a room where they started to set things up. Turns out when my baby’s dad had just got to work, he got the call, and had to turn right back around. He was a few hours away but still made it in time. Lots of spare time actually because I just wasn’t dialating. My water broke around 6:00 a.m. and I was dilating very slowly. They went ahead and gave me an epidural because the contractions were getting very intense. I somewhat remember who was in the room, I was in and out of it during most of the pain. The very last thing I do remember what the doctor telling me that the baby just was not moving down and that he was going to have to perform a c-section. I don’t remember having time to think, I just remember them taking me and prepping for the surgery. At eighteen years old, I was scared of it all, the pain, the labor, the doctors, and then a surgery. I wanted to cry and just say stop and leave, but that wasn’t going to happen. It was now after 8 p.m. and I had spent all those hours in labor only dilating to a 5, to then be rushed for an emergency c-section. The surgery itself was very quick and the doctors were able to complete everything with no complications, he was out within minutes. Then, that’s when it happened, I heard my baby crying. I really wish I could explain what it’s like, to hear that. To hear your baby for the first time and know, you just had a baby, gave life to a human being that is a part of you, grew inside of you, and now is part of the world. It is seriously indescribable.
I was a mom. A mom to a beautiful baby boy, and he was mine. I had no idea what I was going to do. I wasn’t thinking about the future much, I was busy recovering and learning to hold and change this tiny newborn that was just so fragile. I can not say I regret having him. I’m not saying being a teen or young mom is terrible or horrible or it should never happen. What I will say is that he did not get the best of me, because I was not the best me. I was young and focused on other things, worried about other things, and made his life harder because I was too young to understand what it meant to be a mom. He did change my life, and he saved my life, because I stopped going down a very bad path. I did the best I knew how and learned to grow from it. He had to see and hear a lot of things I wish he didn’t have to, but when your a young or teen mom, your still finding yourself and still trying to figure out life, let alone raising a child. Six years I had him before I was finally married and gave him a sibling. Six years I was a mom to only him and I messed up alot. Guess what, he doesn’t see that. He sees his mom, that’s it. He loves me no matter what, that’s something I could never regret. He is my first child, he is why I get to be called mom, and he is why now, I will continue to find myself, even in my thirties, because he still deserves the best of me.