Moms get lonely, and are ashamed to say it. Lets face it, if you were to talk about being lonely staying at home with your kids, you may look bad to some people. Why should you feel lonely? I mean your blessed with a kid or kids, there are people to who can’t even have kids. They would love the opportunity to be up late, feel exhausted, and be dealing with fussy kids in isolation. I’m sure they would. We felt the same way at some point, that its all worth it, and it most definitely is. It doesn’t however take away that each individual is different and we all handle stress and circumstances differently. I was a young mom, so I didn’t exactly have planned out what type of mom I wanted to be. I was unprepared for what all it takes to raise a tiny human being. After some years passed though and through a lot of trial and error, I kept my first son alive, and he was even pretty polite compared to most kids. He spoke well for his age, and was very creative. Behind closed doors though, I argued with him. A four year old mind you, like it was a little brother, who annoyed me. I was always out and about with him as he grew because I had him used to it and he actually liked being in the car. We had our life sort of figured out, and it worked for us for the time being.
A couple more years passed and then came little sister, who big brother had been wanting for a long, long time. So he thought. We moved to a smaller town, better school, more peaceful quiet environment. Then that’s when the isolation began. I had a newborn baby and a kindergartener. I got up early, if I wasn’t already up, got him ready for school, tended to baby all day, and waited for him to get home. Then is was homework/reading, playtime, dinner, bathtime, and bedtime. Just to do it all over again. School weeks I didn’t leave the house unless I had an appointment, or needed groceries. School events were the only time I would try to look decent, and my only chance to update a new selfie, since it became rare to fix myself up. When your tired, and get used to being a homebody, you won’t waste fixing your hair or face unless you are going to really be seen, the effort just doesn’t feel worth it. Day in and out, I was at home with a baby all day, and a kid and a baby in the evening. I fed them, bathed them, washed their clothes, entertained them, everything with them. I didn’t have conversations with adults until my husband came home, but then he was tired so it was kind of short. I could talk on the phone, for about 5 minutes until the kids realized my attention wasn’t on them so they force me to get off. If I was making food, they are there in the kitchen watching and distracting. If I was folding clothes, they were pulling it off the couch making the work just a little harder. If I showered or used the restroom, guess what, they are in there too. No privacy, no peace and quiet, no alone time. So if I had kids around me all of the time, how could I feel lonely?
The only way I can explain it is, your whole world changes and it feels like it will never be the same because it gets harder and harder to leave the house. Before kids, you get up and go. That’s it. After kids, you have to get yourself ready quickly, get the kids ready and don’t forget the diaper bag. That alone can take a couple hours with everything going wrong in between. So you’re already tired, let alone being out, and having to make multiple stops in restrooms, give lots of snacks, and then by the time you get where you’re going, the meltdowns start because then they are tired and just want a nap. So when your at home and kids are relaxed, it becomes easier to choose to stay home. You want to meet up with friends, you want to maybe do some shopping, but the thought of the meltdowns and easily stop you in your tracks and make you stay. Then days and weeks and even months go by and you realized you haven’t seen friends in what feels like forever. You haven’t replied to invites because you know you will end up not going. There are some pretty amazing moms who can take their kids out and have a good time and handle it all. Then there are some moms who can only handle one meltdown before they feel like giving up. We are all different and we all have different limits. So for the ones like me who feel more hopeless at times, its gets really hard, because we don’t realize we cause more isolation for ourselves.
We feel lonely because we stop trying to talk to people because we feel like a burden. We feel like we are less than the other moms, who seem to handle it better then we do. So we stay home, don’t ask for help, and don’t talk about it. It’s very hard to admit that your feeling depressed or lonely or both. You don’t want anyone’s sympathy or worse, criticism. Lets face it, other moms are mean. There are some moms who like to brag about all the activities they did and muffins they baked all while breastfeeding twins. Then there was me, whose baby had diaper rash and it made me feel like a failure, so I spent all day holding her and didn’t accomplish anything. Now don’t get me wrong, moms that are capable of doing more doesn’t make them mean. Its when they make you feel like your less than, and like to make themselves feel better by teasing you of your shortcomings. I stayed at home for fear of meltdowns, for lack of money, or just plain lack of motivation. Before you know it, I became a mom of four beautiful kids, that now, going for a walk outside seems like a job.
I’ve improved, but I will still make an excuse to not go somewhere. Even if it’s going to visit a friend. I’ll convince myself that in the end ill be fine not going, and I regret it every time. It doesn’t help living out of town, because any outing becomes a trip, something to plan. What I will do now, is not feel super guilty if my kids spend time away from me. Time to be me, not just a mom, is essential. I can only be a good mom if I take care of myself too. I will say that when you aren’t used to caring for yourself, it’s a real adjustment. Starting is what you have to do though. So I’ve slowly started doing more, learned that it’s all temporary. In time, the kids grow and its slowly gets easier to get up, to get motivated, and to do more. Im reaching out to friends, because I can’t expect people to know I need someone to talk or text with. I don’t have the answers and i’m still going through a rough time as we speak. The only difference now, is I can see myself, holding myself back. I want to do better, I will do better, and if your feeling the same way, just know that I believe you can and will do better too.