Torn, with feeling like two different people.

Feelings of depression can be very hard to explain to people. It isn’t always the same for everyone, so if you know one persons story, that does not mean you know others. For me it’s like feeling like two different people completely. I’ll try my best to explain myself, but unless you’ve been there, it can seem very contradicting, mostly because it is.

I’ll start with my good days, I do get those believe it or not. I wake up and know immediately which way my day will go more or less. Sometimes I can wake up and I feel like doing it all. I will love on my kids, smile, joke with them, be super understanding. They love that me, they deserve her too. I have this unexplainable energy where I think about doing something, and I actually do it. May seem simple and weird to others but I struggle with that immensely. I have this unexplainable tranquility in my heart where I am all positive vibes. I write notes, make a grocery list, pay bills, tackle emails, clean up a bit, think of things I can do to give my kids attention that they crave daily from me. I love those days. I feel invincible, like I can do this whole wife/mom thing no problems. I’ll make dinner, wash some clothes, you know, the things most stay at home moms do daily. Not me, I don’t do them daily, so when I do, I feel very proud of myself, more than you can know. I think of the good food to eat, the workouts I want to do the whole week, and I actually want to tackle these small goals for the week. I have the best intention to do it. Then like a snap of a finger, she’s gone.

Then there are “those” days. That’s exactly what I call them too, if my husband comes home and asks me what’s wrong, my answer is “its just one of those days.” Unfortunately I have them more that I’d like to admit. It always starts with me waking up super frustrated, and I have no explanation as to why. I just feel sad, tired, and not myself. My kids get the wrath of it all because my patience is non existent and I stress over any and everything that does not go how I feel it should in my head. If my kids are moving too slowly I’ll lose it. If they are giving me a hard time, it will only take one time before they see it in my face, and they just know at this point and try their best to avoid me and not make me any more irritated. I see the dirty clothes and just walk right past it. The dirty dishes, I wont even think twice, I will not touch them. I put on the T.V. in hopes that my little ones will stay entertained enough so I wont be yelling at them, because I will. So I just sit, thinking about what all I need to do, and I do mean EVERYTHING. It becomes so overwhelming to think of it all, that I end up doing nothing. Then I get mad at myself for not doing it, and it stresses me out even more. So if that isn’t enough, I also stress about my husbands disappointment to come home to my attitude, the mess, and no dinner. By this point I’ve stressed myself enough that I’m so mad at myself, that instead of being able to push myself to do something, I get so sad, hurt and angry with myself, that I think I punish myself with feeling life a failure, and boy do those feelings linger. For days even, and those days just get harder and harder. I don’t ever know how long it will last, and there isn’t anything anyone can do to make it go away. I will want to be silent the whole day because I can’t even use my words without feeling emotional. I will avoid phone calls, get invited somewhere but end up not going, and want to be completely alone.

None of this is anyone else’s fault or problem, but they do get the crappy end of the stick with me. I’ve heard it all, from just get up and do it, walk outside for a while, start a hobby, write about your feelings, pray about it, and the list goes on and on. Of course we all have solutions for people, and most of the time people do mean well. From experience though, when someone is in a state of mind with deep depression, they don’t really care to hear what you have to say on how to fix them. Trust me, they probably have tried to convince themselves to do all of those things too, but when you’re there, you can have a shovel to dig yourself out, and somehow convince yourself you wont be able to, no matter what. Be patient with people, they are hard enough on themselves, I know I am. I think people crave real understanding. Mental Illness wont just go away, it does take work from many sources. No one will truly get better until they are ready, until they really feel like more help is needed. Sometimes they never do seek that help. Offer to pray for someone, offer to help with the kids, offer to help clean up with no judgment, and be sincere about it. People to want to feel seen, heard, and understood even if you don’t understand 100%.

These are just my experiences and views. I am not a professional nor am I saying we are all alike. Just sharing my stories so others can see they are not alone.

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